A Registered Chapter of the Red Hat Society

Lolly Loose Lips

"Cluckings" for August

I'm ba-ba-back! 

Y'all know I'm not a gossip, and I certainly don't like to bash X's, buuuuut.......this story takes the kernels off the cob!....

It seems that one Christmas holiday season, Rae, Ruler of Radiant Light, was preparing some gifts to be mailed to friends and relatives.  She was carefully packing each gift in Styrofoam nuggets.  Running short of packing material, she got the brain storm to pop some corn and add it to the Styrofoam.   She actually ended up with excess mixture and left it sitting in a bowl on the kitchen counter.

Well, I've never met Rae's X, and I can't address his intelligence....especially when sitting in front of the "Idiot Box", but the next day, returning home from work, he burst through the door asking the following question...."What in the H--- did you have in that bowl last night?"   With surprise and innocence, Rae asked "Why?"

To clean up a "messy" story, it seems that during the day he would have to run to the bathroom and his "Duty to God and His Country" would not flush, it floated!  He would have to return to his desk, and in order to make "the Duty" flush, he had to pile toilet paper on top.  Turns out, he salted and buttered that bowl of goodies and ate the whole thing!  DUH!  Now we know why it's called an "idiot box"!

Speaking of dumb moves, and I say this with love.....Poor Contessa Carole has done it again!.............

Several years ago, Carole acquired a box of old plumes that used to attach to the helmets of musicians in a marching band.  She hung on to these beautiful feathers knowing that someday a creation would emerge.  Deciding to dye the white plumes purple, Carole threw about four into the washing machine along with a few other garments to be died.  After agitating a short time, she went to check on the color.......Oh my!  There were feathers everywhere!  Wire too!  The wire had tangled everything!  Pants, blouses, socks, and undies were all sprouting feathers.  Quills were stuck in the washer holes!  Purple dye was splattered and running down the washer!  Well, it took the better part of an hour to skim feathers from the water.  Have you ever tried to untangle a very fine chain??  Double the trouble!  Ladies, when you see the Contessa, and she has feathery fuzz on her shirt, just pluck it off....no need to comment.

I do have some terrific news!  Mary, Princess Daughter, is moving to town and now will be able to join the Flowers of the Bouquet!  We all look forward to having her with us at each and every event!

I've been lax in the eavesdropping , uh, I mean, uh, I mean.......I don't know what I mean, but anyway I'll be returning with more juicy tidbits at another time.


July "Cluckings"......

Ya know....I don't understand all these people that want to look like movie stars so much that they go to really painful extremes to copy their idols appearance.  Take for example....Ragamuffin Mom, Jenni really admired Angelina Jolie's lips so much that she ate some salmon and discovered she's allergic to it....WOW!  Those lips!  If that was all that swelled, she would have been happy!  She had just realized she would be swelling soon enough in anticipation to baby number three, but when everything on her body was doing the same, that was tooooo much!!
nyny.jpg (406484 bytes)Queen Marilyn mentioned in our last column that Contessa Carole and Ivanhoe made the trip to New York.......Well, to best set the scene, have you seen the movie, "The Out of Towners"?  Just put the Contessa and Ivanhoe in the starring roles!  To give you one example:  Contessa Carole had always dreamed of seeing the Statue of Liberty.  Her dreams were coming true!  However, to be able to get close up and personal with the big girl, you have to go through security.  (The Contessa was becoming a pro at assuming the position!  This was going to be the third round for her.  She even learned that those tough looking guards, approaching her, snapping their rubber gloves in anticipation, have no sense of humor at all!)  You have to remove all blinky stuff and fanny packs....picture this....Carole wearing a white skirt with a travel fanny pack around her waist under the skirt.  She slides the pack down, giving the impression she's removing her undies with Ivan bending down to retrieve it!  From the look on that inspector's face, this was a first!  That was the first trial.
Contessa Carole finally makes it to the observation deck.....the wind is blowing......Carole is trying to take pictures up the statues dress (not really, but up the sides of her).....Carole's skirt is blowing up over her head from all sides!  Let me tell you!.......Contessa Carole ain't no Marilyn Monroe!!!!  People next to her were gasping in horror!  Ships at sea were colliding!  And I swear I heard rumors that, the statue, herself almost dropped her torch and law book!  Carole would get control of the front of the skirt, and up blew the back!  She'd get the back settled, and up blew the sides and front.  Tourist on the ground looked like they were running from the bulls as they ran and trampled their way to the ferries!
Ivanhoe and the Contessa couldn't just leave quietly.....Oh, no.....As Carole was cooling her biscuits and legs on a nice cold slab of marble, Ivanhoe was trying to find his way out.  It wasn't nice, but Carole really enjoyed watching to see how long Ivan would walk back and forth before he went to the information desk to ask.  To preface this next sequel to the story, you must know that Ivan is known to his family as "Dudley Doright".  Finally, he asked.  "Just go out the emergency exit, sir.", said the ranger.  "But that's for emergencies!", exclaimed Ivan.  The ranger, seeing he wasn't going to get through to Ivan, escorted the couple out the emergency exit.  And some people consider us chickens DUMB!
I'm off for a dust bath!  Be bac, bac, bac, bac, soon!

Queen Marilyn "cackles" for Lolly in June!

Hello ladies, Queen Marilyn here.  I'll be writing Lolly's column this month since she missed her deadline.  We're not sure where Lolly could be.  I did hear about a frisking of a local Red Hatter and her DH while going through security at the Columbus Airport.  Could Lolly have tried to stow away with them?

During the last few weeks our very own Contessa Carole and Ragamuffin Mom Jenni were semi-finalists in the  
Nononsense contest "Sleep Where?". The grand prize winner would receive a trip for 2 to NYC, front row tickets to the Pajama Game, and the chance to meet the cast at a desert reception after the show (Harry Connick Jr. is the star)!  Our chapter is proud of both ladies for making the finals for their week.  They both displayed creativity and exhibited the fun of competition trying to get votes to move on to the finals.  Jenni was the victor beating out 3 other entries, including Carole's to move on to the finals where SHE WON THE GRAND PRIZE!!!!

Unable to travel on the weekend of the trip to NYC, Ragamuffin Mom Jenni gave her prize to her dear Gran and Pappy, who also happen to be Contessa Carole and her husband Ivan.  There was only one problem, Contessa Carole is terrified of flying. There were a few small obstacles in the days leading up to the trip, like missing tickets, itinerary, and other fun stuff but with the help of sedatives prescribed by her doctor and the support and encouragement of her family, Red Hat sisters, and friends, she finally boarded a plane for the first time in her life the morning of June 16, 2006.  She will let us know how the trip went once she's unclenched her hands and is able to speak again.  We all hope that she had a wonderful time and took NYC by storm!  

Congratulations go to another Flower of our Bouquet, Contessa of Hosta Lovers Joyce.  She entered 14 of her hostas in a plant show at the Franklin Conservatory.  Thinking that she would never win she decided to take a side trip to visit a The National Quilting Show.  Quilting is her new hobby now that she's retired, and she makes beautiful quilts. She was gone about an hour and a half but decided that she needed to get back to the plant show before it ended to retrieve her plants.  On arriving she found out that she had won 4 first, 7 second, 1 third and 1 fourth place prizes!  Great job Joyce, your title is fitting!  

Well that's all I have for this month.  I hope everyone has a wonderful summer.  Hopefully Lolly will be back next month with more friendly gossip….

May 2006 "Cluckings"...

Lolly here, with a few more little tid bits to share.

Lucy and I are having a great time visiting Westerville and Contessa Carole's family.  We were here to witness Carole's little granddaughter, Rachel, receive an education of life.  She has learned that what she brought to Carole, was not a mother frog carrying her baby on her back.  (I don't think baby frogs can hold on that tight as to not be disturbed even when dropped on the hard ground, picked up again, and returned to the water.)  This little romp with nature, led Rachel to approach her mother while she was digging a small area to plant phlox.......(While the conversation continued, Rachel's mother did not skip a beat while clearing a space.  As a matter of fact, after all was said and done, a full grown tree could have been planted in that hole!)

We all know what a good employee/worker that the Mistress of the Frugal Wardrobe Extraordinaire is, right?  Well, if you weren't aware of this event, let me fill you in!

While working in a bookstore, it was a rule that you walk up to customers and ask if you can help them.  Welllllll......, One day, the Mistress walked up to a gentleman and ask if she could help him. As a sly smile crept across his face, she noticed he was making some adjustments, as some men do.  I really don't believe the man realized what he was doing, (it comes second nature to some) but Mistress Cyndy suddenly remembered something she had forgotten to do in the back room!

There are two Flowers in this bouquet that never cease to amaze me.  Everyday seems to be an adventure for them!  For example:

 When Milady Fifi has to go up into her attic (an unfinished one with just the beams and insulation) she gets totally naked so she won't get that nasty fiberglass all over her clothes. It's such a mess to get off clothing.  Now there's a lady that really takes good care of her "cloth" garments.......forget about her "Birthday Suit"!

While on the same frame of thoughts, summer is coming and that means fun in the pool!  Lois, Duchess of Windsor is really enjoying her aquatic classes.  Not only are they soothing and helpful in tolerating her arthritis, she's learned a new way to firm our biscuits!  PAPER MACHE!!  She found this out one day by running soaking wet to the rest room, putting down a paper toilet seat cover and.........WA LA!!!.......FIRM BISCUITS!  Of course, I don't suggest that you get back into the pool.  Just walk around the pool and let everyone see the amazing transformation.  (By the way, tuck in any little bit of paper that might show)

On a final note, we all are feeling the pinch of rising gas prices.   Wellllllllll.........I want y'all to know, I'm a true blue, patriotic, anything to help mankind, chicken!

  There have been rumors flying about that there are some people considering converting poultry droppings into natural gas.  As I stand here today, I want y'all to know that I will do all I can to contribute to this cause.  We all agree that gas prices are way too high....why not take advantage of your little feathered friends that want to make a meaningful contribution to the comfort and well being of mankind!!????!!!!

"Cluckings" from April 2006

lucy.jpg (63968 bytes)Dear Red Hat Sisters, it is time now to introduce you to my twin sister, Lucy.  Lucy has come to join me in my stay in Westerville and I'm trying to talk her into joining me in Florida when the time comes.  That time will be determined by how well my new gig with the Victorian Bouquet flies. ( If you are enjoying my articles, please let Queen Marilyn and Contessa Carole know by e-mailing them at VictorianBquets@aol.com)

Lucy and I are identical twins.....almost. I know you've all heard of occasions where one twin receives more nourishment while developing than the other.  Well.....Lucy and I are an example of that rare occasion.  Though Lucy is every bit as beautiful as I, I like to tease her by saying, "I'm more of a woman to handle!"  She takes this in good humor and replies, "Pity the Rooster that gets Lolly!"

Did any of you ladies happen to see Lady Gardinia driving with that handsome hunk in the passenger's seat????.  Don't get excited, Biddies!  She says he's just a good, solid friend that happens to love to accompany her on her trips.  In her words, "He's the perfect traveling companion".  He's a wonderful listener.  Not a buttinsky, gives no useless advise, and is not critical of her driving.  He promised not to make her stop too often at rest stops or for nourishment.  Riding with Lady Gardenia is just a great way to "see the U.S.A. in her Chevrolet".

Okay girls, we all know Queen Marilyn to be that sweet, fun-loving lady that so royally oversees her Red Hat Queendom. Wellllllll, I have learned that she hasn't always been so sweet and obliging!

When Queen Marilyn was a Junior in High School, her regular dentist was on a 2 month vacation when she developed a very bad toothache. The dentist covering for her beloved dentist was well known in her small High School as "The Butcher". Queen Marilyn's mom made an appointment for her and off to the office they went. The nurse called Marilyn in, took an x-ray, and told her they needed to fill a cavity. Thinking this dentist would be okay as a substitute, Marilyn allowed the doctor to administer the Novocain shot. As the dentist was preparing to drill, Marilyn informed him that she could still feel her lips. The nurse, who was also the wife of the dentist, said, "No you can't". To which Marilyn replied, "Yes, I can!" A brief discussion between the two of them came to a conclusion when Marilyn was sternly told, "Young lady, the dentist has given you enough Novocain and you can't possibly feel anything".

The dentist started to drill........ The next thing Marilyn remembers, is the dentist shaking her shoulders and asking if she was OK.  Queen Marilyn's right hand was in a fist and it came up and caught that unsuspecting dentist on the left side of his face and BAM, that man was out like a light!  In a "Queenly" manner, Marilyn ripped the gauze out of her mouth and the bib off of her neck, stormed out into the waiting room, and informed her mom "Immmm ggnnnnggg hooommmeeeeeeeee"! Everyone's eyes in the waiting room bugged out and as the door shut behind Marilyn and her Mother, cheering could be heard!

All I'm going to say is, keep your hat pins in your hat and don't try to second guess her feelings or you may see that right hook for which she has become so well known!

"Cluckings" from March 2006

Lolly, Lady Clucks A LotAs days pass, I realize that these beautiful Victorian Flowers are soooo diverse and interesting.  The stories are endless!  

For instance, wanna know why Mistress of Contrary Gardens has changed the name of her new dog??  Well…. Her Mother had chosen the name “Snowball” from the description that the Mistress had given her before she brought the sweet thang home.  After seeing the joy the little white Maltese brought into the house, she couldn’t stand any longer to hear her Mother greet the dog in a child’s voice, “ How’s my little No Ball?”…. Especially since he had undergone surgery before coming to live with the family.

Girls!  Keep this under your Red Hat, but it seems we have another addict among us!! You've heard of "Shopaholics"??  Dearies, we have a "Returnaholic" within our Bouquet!

Rumor has it that Milady FiFi has been requested to not purchase anymore items from QVC without thoroughly considering if this is an item she really will want to keep, according to the General Manager of sales.  She has returned so many items that she is known by numerous stores as the "Return Queen", and she has it down to a science as to the polite and scheming way to go about doing it. If anyone needs any suggestions on how to make returns feel free to contact her.  My only question is; Does she return them after she's used them, or before???  Sounds to me like the only ones getting anything out of this habit, is the Postal Services!

Off to scratch up more dirt!

I'm Staying (for awhile)

Hello ladies!  

I’m back!  I started to get on that plane to Fort Lauderdale and reflecting back on my visit with my kind new friends, I couldn’t leave!  Here I was, a lonely chicken who happened to board the first truck I flagged down.  I had stood along that roadside for a very long time with one car after another passing me by.  I then remembered that movie where Claudette Colbert was trying to hitch a ride with Clark Gable.  She pulled up her dress and flashed her beautiful gams.  Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have a pretty shapely thigh!  A few cars passed me by, but suddenly, along came a beautiful truck whose driver screeched on his brakes.  It was fate!  I knew this man recognized a beautiful thigh and thin ankles when he saw them!  His truck even had a picture of big, meaty chicken thighs pictured on its side.  

I jumped in thinking my ship, err, truck had come in!!!  Little did I know, until my goose bumps really began to pop out, that I was taken to the back room of the grocery store’s meat department!!!  

Well, you know the rest of the story!!! 

It’s amazing the sisterhood I feel with these ladies…. it’s like I’m a long lost relative!  Do you suppose… Roberta and I do look an awful lot alike….. Big eyes, saggy neck, meaty thighs,  (though I do have larger breast)….. Oh, my…. I’m realizing that I resemble Contessa Carole too!!!

Well, to make a long story short, I’ve asked Contessa Carole if I could stay a little longer. She agreed and Queen Marilyn and Contessa Carole have even made me an Honorary Victorian Bouquet Mascot.  To show my appreciation, I have offered my service as a Victorian Bouquet Columnist.  For many years, I have written for “The Barnyard Banter”, “The Fowl Times”, and “The Coop Scoop”.  My last gig, was writing an article under the title of  “Scratching Up the Dirt with Lolly Loose Lips”.

I will also take this opportunity to educate Contessa Carole on chickens.  She and many others are under the impressions that chickens are dumb, unfeeling animals.  I overheard her telling someone that she once bought a roaster chicken, dressed it in a butcher’s apron with a mini cleaver in one wing and a “Happy Birthday” sign in the other and set the pimpled, headless creature on the butcher’s case as a birthday surprise!  Talk about disrespect!!